Adam Fucking Frantz

Letter #10 – March 13th, 2013

I’ve been trying to write this for over a month now. It’s the one year anniversary of my incarceration. Yep, prison and I, over a year now. Who knew?! Does it seem like a year has passed out there since I left? Time blurs together so much I honestly don’t know how long it feels like it’s been. It’s like a never-ending, really boring, bad day.

One year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days or 8,760 hours! A year used to seem like an unbelievably long amount of time when I was a kid. I used to lie on top of George Hill watching the clouds go by, pondering for hours … what to do today?

At some point after that, I “grew up” and had obligations and responsibilities to the point I wouldn’t notice a turn of the moon. Always wishing for more hours in the day, sleeping less and working more, trying desperately to get ahead of the clock. Well, look at me now! All the time in the world. Time to watch the world spin, to see the clouds float by, to see the sun set and the moon rise. Time to think, so much time to think that I try to occupy all that time to avoid so much thinking. I write, I read, I draw, I exercise, but still my mind finds a way to wander back home.

Down the winding wooded roads I grew up on, taking the long way everywhere, looking through trees and across fields as I go. I can picture every crook, kink or curve in those old roads. So many memories and adventures took place out there. Some good, some bad, all part of who I am now. Each road leads to some significant times in my life, each beautiful and memorable in its own way. The quick trip to Bolton every morning for years while I attended Nashoba. Back-road-boogie to Sterling, where I worked throughout high school and college. The sweeping curves of my parents’ road I could drive with my eyes closed to this day. Across this town and the next to see friends. Every road leads somewhere, and every trip makes memories. There are so many people on those roads who shared those times with me – people I’ll never forget. Some have gone off in their own direction, but some are still with me, and others have joined along the way. These people are what I miss most. Spending time with them, enjoying each other’s company. Of course there are millions of other things, big and small, that I miss but a wise woman once told me:

“In the end of it all, the people you love are what is most important in life.”

I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. What pains me most about this experience is not being there for my family – when dad needs help around the yard, mom needs someone to drink coffee and talk writing with, big sis needs someone to make her laugh, bro-in-law needs someone to do manly stuff with, the nieces need painting lessons, my girlfriend needs me to rub her aching body after a hard day at work, and Dogface needs his alpha-male back so he can relax and concentrate on being cute. This solo-journey will obviously come to an end, so I can get back to these things, I just hope I don’t miss too much. It was a selfish thing I did. It hurt so many more people than just me. I didn’t see that beforehand; I was blind. Now I’ve got a clear perspective and time to think … lots and lots of it.

So to my loved ones out there, family and friends, know that I’m thinking of you. I may not call often enough on these damn expensive 15-minute timed phones, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I get frustrated by how fast the phone time goes by, trying to catch up before I’m left alone again, to think. C’est la vie. One year down, on to the next.

9 Responses to “Letter #10 – March 13th, 2013”

  • Nikki:

    I love you, mah Dood. Dogface misses his daddy too. Xoxo

  • jelly:

    Miss you terribly…….

  • Charles:

    Stay strong buddy, we all miss you.

  • SARR:

    The time will continue to pass. Stay strong, 929

  • Boy did that stuff about the never-ending day resonate. Here’s part of something I wrote a few years back about my tour in Vietnam:

    “They say war changes a man. I think it does exactly the opposite. It freezes you in place. Growth is diverted into a repetitive existence that grinds deep ruts into your soul. It doesn’t matter if you are a cook or a grunt, it’s the same shit, day after day, week after week, month after month. By the time I got out, I felt like I was in a 10-foot deep trench trying to see over the edge, hoping to catch a glimpse of the life I thought I was going to have when I got home.”

    But I did find that life, and I found the me that was there before it all started. Just took a while. It does end. You do go home. Eventually it recedes. My best advice: stay in the present. Don’t look back. Don’t look ahead. Just deal with the moment.

  • seth:

    Mistakes happen. Miss ya bud

  • Best letter yet & great job! Seems like it’s been longer than a year & we’re all missing you. Keep writing, reading & posting please. It’s as important to us, as it is to you. We learn from your experiances too. God bless….

  • Chg380:

    Keep your head up, you are missed.

  • Steve:

    Nearly 9 years in China and coming back its taken about a year to navigate in the States again…like first question was “What the fuck is a Snookie?” sad to find out what it was and I do mean “IT”

    But hey two years get out and get on with life a wiser man for it.

    BTW when are you getting out? You get time off for good behavior or anything like that? Hit me up when your out.

    Adam you never know what life throws at you, bro. I thought my girl Lisa was coming over to stay and we would move to South America but nope she decided she missed China and left me. Then I got custody of my youngest a few days later… so here I am in the USA for 2 more years..so all for the better…no bitch bugging me like she was and I get my kid. like I said you just never know.

    Hang in there man. Life is still good even if you are delayed from seeing it for a few more months.

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