Adam Fucking Frantz

Letter #19 – December 30th, 2014

So it’s that time of year again – the END! Everyone’s stocking up on tasty beers and bubbly, preparing hors d’oeuvres and buying cute outfits to get out and celebrate the coming of the new year.
While you are all out there doing various things of varying levels of excitement, watching that big electric ball drop on TV, counting the minutes and seconds to the new year, I’ll be doing a countdown of my own. I won’t be wearing a party hat, hooting and hollering or kissing anyone when the ball drops, BUT, I guarantee you that I’ll be smiling with genuine happiness for the coming of the new year.

It’s hard to believe, almost surreal, that I’ll be out in society again, able to make free choices and move forward in my life. It seems for quite some time that I’ve been living the same day over and over and over – Groundhog’s Day. So I can’t help looking back before moving forward. To think about my experience – things gained, things lost, things learned, things forgotten.
One thing that is notable, and the reason I’m writing this, is the people who supported me through this time, each in their own ways – big and small, frequent or sporadic (no matter which), it meant so much to me. Being physically removed from life is hard but to have people out there reminding me what I left behind and what I will return to was helpful for my sanity. Some people really stepped up and supported me in a time when I needed it … as much as I hated to admit that.
I’m not mad at anyone I didn’t hear from, and I look forward to reconnecting with them in time. But I really want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who went out of their way for me.
Sending me letters, pictures and magazines. Dealing with this shittastic email system so I wouldn’t have to wait for snail mail. Contacting my loved ones to check on them and ask how I am doing. Pressing 5 to accept my 15-minute phone calls. And, of course, going way out of your way, spending your time and money, to visit me here in prison. I was never close by for visits so it meant a lot to have a few of you come and visit with me, in a not-always-so-pleasant environment, to get my mind out of prison for a few hours at a time.
It always seemed like such a long time; looking ahead, it WAS a long time. But now, looking back, I can’t believe how much time has passed. I just put my head down and made it through each day, one at a time, and let them accumulate. I shared the benchmarks with those close to me and made it through.
Some days were harder than others, Fuck, some MONTHS were harder than others, but there was always someone there on the other end to listen and remind me that it will get better.
Pretty soon I will be released and life WILL get better. I hope to be able to return some of the kindness shown to me by those amazing people. If you ever find yourself having a bad day or down in the dumps, please don’t hesitate to hit me up. You all know who you are.
And to the one person, one very special person, who put her entire life on hold for three years and sacrificed her happiness in place of mine, I would need 1,000 lifetimes to repay your kindness… I’ll start with this one. Thank you.
Much love, see you soon.
AFF

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