Adam Fucking Frantz

Letter #20 – January 6th, 2015

As I’m nearing my release date I’ve had a recurring conversation with a number of people starting with a simple question:
“SO, what are you going to do first?? What’s the list?”
Now of course there are three major things we all miss in prison: our families, our women, and real food. Those are definitely the things we miss most. But, there are SO MANY other things out there to look forward to and enjoy, from the smallest, simplest pleasures to things you never thought you’d miss (like work). Prison strips you down to a very basic life, with just enough clothes and just enough food to exist. To say that I could fit my entire life’s belongings into a couple boxes is no exaggeration.
I could write a list of things I miss that goes on forever, or pages and pages of descriptive text to the smallest detail of those things and everything about them, but how about I just put some thoughts down for you to look at and think about, so I don’t go crazy trying to create the perfect list or look crazy by describing the tiny details of life’s simple pleasures.
When my boy Wolfie emailed me the other day, asking the above quoted question, I promptly replied without thought:

– Sit in silence
– Eat off a plate with silverware
– Sit down in the shower
– Sleep in a real bed
Boom. Simple life eh?
Silence. For ALL of this time away, I have never really been ALONE. The few moments I was lucky enough to be physically alone, when I had no bunky in a cell, I could still hear others around. The noise in prison is absolutely unending. People talking, quiet or loudly, near or far. Yelling, “singing,” slamming lockers, dragging chairs across the floor, snoring, burping, farting, flushing toilets, loud-speakers announcing people are to report somewhere, alarm clocks alarming, and on and on and on. It is absolutely never-ending. I am so excited to go home, sit in a room, a quiet room, with the door closed and to be alone with my thoughts. Not having to put ear buds in to drown out noise and mind-numbing conversation. Just me and my doggie, lying on the bed… a REAL BED!
Not to say that I don’t have a place to sleep now: I mean, a 36″ wide plate of steel with a 28″ wide mat that feels like its stuffed with wet mulch is actually better than some people have it. I’ve slept on worse in different spots and heard of places where you get floor space and a blanket. But Oh. My. God! How amazing it is going to feel to lie down on an actual bed … like with springs and foam and pillow top, and a comforter and nice pillows and good new sheets! OMFG!
Comfort is NOT something that I am well acquainted with anymore. I can’t even tell you the last time I sat on a padded chair. We get hard plastic at best or metal benches and stools the rest of the time. How about some carpeting on the floor? Maybe I could actually walk around without wearing socks and shoes for once. That would be nice. Lounging on the couch, shoes and socks off, stretched out with my own TV, my own remote even! Oh shit! Now we’re talking!
Oh, speaking of shit … a home bathroom. A personal bathroom with one sink, one toilet, and one shower. I am MORE than excited about that. Not only the fact that I don’t have to worry about the cleanliness of the facilities, because there haven’t been 100 other man-asses sitting upon the seat or spitting in the sink or peeing in the shower (or worse). Not only because of the cleanliness factor, but certainly, largely because of it. Also though, for the privacy. No one waiting in line for you to finish or bitching because you’re taking “too long.” No one stinking up the place in the stall next to you without courtesy flushing … who does that?! Honestly! Savages! Now, to take a shower, a real-deal, NAKED shower. Where I wouldn’t have to worry about my body brushing against the walls or curtain for fear of a staff infection and I could actually lie down in the tub with the hot water falling on me. Oh sweet gluttony. Half-hour shower? Hello! The private bathroom will be monumental!
Then there’s the kitchen, with everything in a kitchen that we don’t have access to. A stove/oven, utensils, pots and pans, microwave, blender, cheese-graters, refrigerator … the FRESH food inside a refrigerator. What the heck does that taste like? I don’t even know! Everything we eat, whether it’s in the chow hall or sold to us in the commissary, is like bomb-shelter food. I mean this food will stay “edible,” unrefrigerated, for longer than your average non-mammalian house pet. Half my calories are from preservatives I think. To eat fruits and veggies picked from a garden and never frozen, processed or packed full of garbage will be euphoric. Fresh meat, with the … flavor? Oh man. I am salivating, so let’s move on.
Alright, outside. I am so excited to get out into the New England woods again. The big ol’ mossy rocks and root-strewn trails following the old fieldstone walls leading through some century-old forests. Birds in the trees calling to one another, and me when I can trick them. Streams bubbling along, with Frankenstein jumping in to submerge his lil’ doggy body. Quietly sitting on a fallen tree, listening to the sounds and seeing what animals we come across. That is peace.
On the other side of the coin, I’ll be happy to be in the outside world again. Buildings, roads, people. People doing things other than wasting time. Hustling and bustling to get their obligations for the day taken care of, dealing with life, rushing to work, playing with a child. Actually participating in life instead of sitting on the sidelines hearing about it. People, wearing different clothes in different COLORS! Oh man, I’ve been seeing gray and tan for far too long now. Slap me if you see me in khaki pants, please!
Ooh I did say roads in there somewhere didn’t I? That means the vehicles on them. Cars, trucks and MOTORCYCLES! In case you don’t know, that’s kind of my thing. There have been so many new models in the past three years, and I’ve yet to see a single one in the metal. I cannot wait.
To drive, oh man, aimlessly for hours. Taking in the sights of the world again, on a nice day, on a nice road, THAT is going to be freedom. Glad to hear gas prices are low because I am planning on wastefully burning plenty of that combustible liquid up! To go where I want, when I want, and to be able to enjoy my means of transport. Sweet baby Jesus, that will be fan-fucking-tastic. Shoot, I could even go somewhere at NIGHT. Yes, in the dark…umm, I haven’t been outside after 9 p.m. in years! Yes, I’m like a 12-year-old. What about it? For someone who’s a night owl, this is distressing. When I am out after sundown, the darkness and night sky are washed away by the stadium lighting we have throughout the compound anyway. I am SO looking forward to sitting up on my favorite hill under the stars and the moon – with someone special – talking, listening to the crickets chirping and watching the lightning bugs punctuate the world around us. My goodness! There is SO much in life to be thankful for out there every day.
Big to small, I love it all. This kid is certainly going to be smiling a LOT.
Cheers to LIVING life!

16 Responses to “Letter #20 – January 6th, 2015”

  • Candice:

    I haven’t seen you since high school, but I’ve been following your story, and just came across your blog. I’m so excited to hear you’re getting out soon. I know your family and friends are pumped. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Best of luck getting out and returning to real life. Your appreciation will carry you for a long time. Xoxo

  • Blake:

    Adam- it’s so good to see you post again! You are always I my thoughts and I would love to come visit you out in Boston when you get reacquainted with your new setting. I know there’s lots of excitement but also lots of internal transitioning that will occur. I can’t wait to introduce you to some good people out this way in the halls if you are so inclined. The Leominster area has a great community and people who are already sending positive thoughts our way. Feel free to reach out whenever you need.

  • jelly:

    SO F ING happy for you Dood! Hope to see you soon! Love ya brah!

  • The very Best post yet!!

  • DannyChaos:

    On the home stretch now brother, you’ll be chopping away at that list in no time.. AAF..

  • CK:

    Fucking awesome! Free AFF

  • DannyChaos:

    Damn smart phone. .and when you’re done freeing Alien Ant Farm,FREE AFF!

  • Randy:

    Silence is the key to Peace

  • Crow:

    So now you’re enroute. Heading home (more or less). All the things you wish for, be careful. Each of them is intoxicating: hustle & bustle – soon enough a thrash instead of a new pleasure; silence – you can hear yourself think. What then? Outside? Today it’s around zero with a stunning wind chill. Uh-huh, that’s outside, as is shoveling snow, etc. But you’re right – a bad day of shoveling snow is better than a good day inside.

    Most of all, you will push back into the world, with all its warts, it’s still a pretty damn glorious place, doubly so when you’re making your own choices.

    Safe home, bud!

  • MikeGyver:

    Welcome back to the REAL!

  • Cookie2000ad:

    You missed one: “Say hello on Custom Fighters”!

    Great couple of letters, congrats on making it though. :skully:

  • Fookin awesom news mate .I have something here fer you will fone as soon as I getta number .

  • Donna Davisson:

    So well written – as you said, I’m sure your list could go on and on and on. It’s a gift to have been given that awareness, even if it was at the expense of your freedom. Keep the gratitude for all things big and small, as I know you will. So happy that you have your freedom again. Looking forward to giving you a great big hug. Peace and love

  • Ann Frantz:

    Hi folks …
    Just want to let you know that Adam can’t access his blog yet (we put things on it after he writes them), but he will be HOME very soon, and will then respond to everyone.
    We are very excited that they’re letting him go home as quickly as arrangements can be made (logistics)… its days or weeks, not months! Thanks for your support; it means the world to him. No address yet either, but you can send mail to our house (3 doors away from what will be his) at Frantz, 13 Highfield Drive, Lancaster, MA 01523. We’ll save it for him.
    His mom

  • SARR:

    Glad to hear you’re close to getting out. Enjoy those little things.

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