Adam Fucking Frantz

Archive for June, 2012

Letter #3: June 8, 2012

Well, it’s all over but the waiting now.  5 years.  60 months.  1,825 days.  43,800 hours.  2,628,000 minutes.  157,680,000 seconds… If my math is correct, sans calculator.  now subtract ~ 7 months good time, provided I’m good, and 9-12 months for a drug program, if I’m eligible… not like I had a marijuana problem or anything.  Brings us to minus 1 1/4 – 1 1/2 years, then there are halfway houses to re-introduce us to society which is about a 6 month program.  Now we’re at minus 1 year & 1 month without the drug program and 1 3/4 to 2 years with it.  Okay so that’s 3-4 years depending.  1, 095 to 1,460 days respectively.  Of course we can’t forget I have 4 years of supervised probation after my release – more drug tests and good behavior but it’s possible to be let off probation after it’s half completed if you are an exemplary probate, which of course I will be.
There is not a chance I would risk my freedom again after dealing with incarceration once.  It behooves me how people can be repeat offenders and come back to this “life”.  So, on the good side, I’ll be home at 33 free at 36 and worst case home at 35 and free at 39.  Damn, fuck that number -39.  Yeesh.  I was SO looking forward to my early 30’s but I risked and lost at least the first couple-few.  I know that I am going to miss a lot of events, occasions, moments, good and bad, but I plan to thoroughly make up for the good ones.  HOlidays, birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, horse shows, dance recitals and so many other fun times. Family dinners, baby sitting my girls, their first days of school.  My family has promised to take pictures for me to capture some of the moments I’ll miss, times when my family needs me too.  Assholes at work, a break from the day to day, yard-work around mom & dads, moving days, mediator of communications between German, Irish and Italian family members (lol) and more.
What I Miss out on is what life is really about.  Love.  I’m away from all my loved ones, away from being there for them or with them.  Away from doing things we enjoy together. Undoubtedly I will return with new vigor for life and will truly appreciate what I have instead of striving for those things I don’t have or need.  A new lease on life as they say and I can’t wait for it!
If you thought I was fun before… Just wait!  Just don’t expect to smoke or drink with me cuz this guys over that shit. I’ve wasted & thrown away enough of my life on drugs & alcohol.  Not that I never had fun, but addiction and dependency are things of my past.  This kid’s going to enjoy life from an un-hazy or cloudy viewpoint!
-AFF 6/8/12

Letter #2: June 5th, 2012

It’s the day before my sentencing and I feel the nerves throughout my entire body every time the thought crosses my mind.  An energy released throughout my body, causing my palms to sweat, pulse to quicken, mind to race.  The what-ifs are absolutely endless.  The negative thoughts try to pull me down like sinking in thick wet mud.  My mind races.  Person to person, faces flashing.  What will I miss?  What will go on beyond my control?  I am so concerned of the negative effects my actions will bestow upon my loved ones.  The grey hairs I’ve caused, the worry lines developed, the mental preoccupation.  Never has the ripple effect had such pronounced residual impact in my life.  The waves of my actions crashing over everyone around me.
I thought this wouldn’t happen to me.  I thought I was making a calculated risk that could only end in my favor.  My pompous ideas collapsed underneath me like an avalanche, suffocating everyone below with the heavy unexpected news falling on them like a wave of wet snow.  I now face, certainly, the hardest time of my life.
After spending my recent past depending almost entirely on myself, thinking I couldn’t rely on others, I will be sent to an environment where I physically will be on my own.  However, I am learning now that I can depend on my loved ones.  Spiritually they keep me alive-giving me smiles, remembrances of times gone by and daydreams of times still to come.  I now truly feel what I was told by my great elders, life is about your loved ones.  Your occupation, your possessions are merely filler.  Taking the time to enjoy the natural world and its beings fills your heart.  Appreciating the things we take for granted is where we find true beauty.  A flower leaning to bask in the sunlight and the bumblebee perfectly created for its task of gathering its pollen.  The deafening silence deep in the woods.  Water rushing over rocks, carrying a leaf, fallen from a tree, creating oxygen for us to breathe.  Take not of what has and will continue to exist without humans.  Our jobs, houses, cars, clothing – certainly are necessary in today’s culture – but they are not the things that feed our souls.  Never let yourself be too consumed in the material existence.
Recognize your role and what you reap from this but keep in the front of your mind what is truly important, what truly makes you happy, the reason you go through this daily rat-race.  Be mindful.  Remain conscious of the time passing by each day and how you’ve spent it.  If everything were to be taken away from you tomorrow, would you be at peace with how your time was spent?  Would you regret your actions?  Your interactions?  Your lack of actions?  How many things would you wish that you’d done?  Do not let opportunity pass you by.  Take the time and make the effort to do the things that are truly important.  Seize the moment, the hour, the day, the month, the year.  Seize your life, for it is yours. Enjoy life for what it is – precious time on the green earth with those you care for and that care for you.  Of course we cannot all be ascetics without possessions – fasting, thinking and waiting, life has responsibility and we must accept that.  But do not be consumed by the things that hold no merit in our last days, for we know now when our last days come.  Assess your life.  Think of where you are.  Appreciate who you are with. Appreciate and understand who you are.  Know and develop yourself to be the person you wish to be.  Be the master of your destiny.  Keep positive thoughts in your mind and think with each step you take.  Allow your minds eye to see the world and guide you to really see.

Love this life, love each other, love yourself.
-AFF 6/5/12